


radar

by yourloveisameme



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen, Honestly I don't know what to tag this, M/M, Multi, shitpost ?? ? ???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 11:35:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8160785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourloveisameme/pseuds/yourloveisameme
Summary: Noya finds a device that can tell when people are gay. (All of Karasuno, apparently.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> basically a shitpost, I'm sorry 
> 
> (I wrote this at 2 am high on sugar and caffeine when I was supposed to be studying eeeeeee)

_Gaydar radar_. It had a nice ring to it.

Noya didn’t believe in this stuff, of course. It was just another piece of junk, really, a weird thrift store find that Noya just. Had to have. A round rusted-metal thing, with lights encrusted all around the side that lit up randomly in neon rainbow colors. It sort of looked like a watch, except instead of a clockface it had a meter like the gauge on a car with the words Gaydar Radar inscribed underneath in garish 80s-esque capital letters. “Exclusively straight” on one side of the meter, at zero, and “exclusively gay” on the other, at six.

Clearly it was some kind of vintage queer gag gift. Total bullshit, but it was interesting and he couldn’t wait to show his friends. (Tanaka, at least, would find it hilarious)(he was always making fun of him for being oblivious about people’s sexuality. “You couldn’t even tell that I was, and we've known each other since, what, grade school?” “Shut up,” Noya had said, throwing a volleyball at his head.)

So he paid at the register and started heading down the road with his new favorite piece of trash strapped to his wrist. But then something weird started happening, the tacky lights started going off randomly as he walked through the crowds outside the thrift store.

“Hmmm,” Noya said, frowning. He attempted to point it at himself and the scale automatically turned towards the gay side of the scale, around 4, which was...actually pretty accurate. But that was just a coincidence. How could it possibly know he was bisexual with a preference for (certain) boys? Ridiculous.

He tried again at home and realized the thing only went off only around him alone--not his brother, not his parents. In the morning he passed the old lady who lived down the hall as he went to put out the trash, and the device went off again. Noya jumped and muffled it quickly, giving the woman an awkward apologetic look. It was only on this way back inside that he realized that she was that neighbor who lived with her “special friend”, as his parents called her.

Well, then. There was no denying it anymore. He stared at the thing on his wrist. This, whatever it was, however it worked, just might be legit. And he was going to make full use of it.

~

Noya had never had the guts to confess to Asahi. Every time he almost tried, something would get in the way. At the back of his head there was this fear that maybe it was a sign that they weren't meant to be. He’d reject him, but more than rejection, it would ruin their friendship. Maybe he wouldn’t even consider it, because they were both guys, and then it would be weird between them. Then Asahi would start worrying and pitying him and then feel like he had to reciprocate, even though he didn't really feel it...yeah, nah, Noya wasn’t doing that. Not till he knew he had a chance.

So Monday afternoon he strolled into the locker room leaned back against the lockers next to Asahi. “Hey,” he said, running a hand through his hair.

“Hey,” Asahi said back, beaming at him.

“Er...umm...” All of a sudden he couldn’t speak. “...how was your weekend?”

If Asahi noticed his awkwardness, he said nothing, and launched into a description of what he’d done yesterday, dark eyes sparkling with enthusiasm. Noya nodded and said “mhmm”, ever so casually reaching for his bag to get out the radar device. He'd figured out where the off switch was, so thankfully it hadn't gone off all day.

Suddenly, there was a blur of orange and a small bundle of energy crashing right into him and knocking him over onto the ground with a thump! “Ow!” said Noya, rubbing his head where it had banged against the locker.

“Sorry, Noya-senpai.” Hinata said, looking embarrassed. “You were standing in front of my locker and I--yeah....” He looked down. “What’s this?”

Crap. The stupid thing had fallen out of his bag and was now flashing and beeping constantly. Azumane was staring and Noya felt heat prickling under his skin.

Noya reached forward to take it back from Hinata. “It’s nothing, it’s just a--um--”

“Gaydar radar,” Hinata read. “Oh, like a radar...but for gays!” he said, catching on surprisingly quickly for a person who could probably barely read English. “So, is it beeping because of me, you, or Asahi-san?”

“I don’t know!” Noya said, lunging towards Hinata. Usually Hinata’s curiosity was endearing but right now he needed that back before anyone else saw it. Just then Tanaka appeared out of nowhere, taking the contraption out of Hinata’s hand.“What the hell is this?” He stared at it for a second, then burst out laughing. He looked at Noya, amused. “You actually believe in this stuff?”

Noya felt his face turning red. “No!”

Tanaka pointed it at himself. “Wait--it’s beeping.They all watched as the meter turned upward, stopping almost in the middle.“It--it works. It knows I’m bi!” He gaped at it, amazed. He pointed the radar at Noya, then Hinata, and it kept beeping, the needle staying firmly away from the heterosexual side. “It really works!” Tanaka took it as his mission to try it on every person in the room.

Tsukishima scoffed when Tanaka pointed it at him, but shut up hastily when the radar went off. “Come on,” he muttered, dragging Yamaguchi away with him.

Tanaka resumed his mission. “Ennoshita, too?” he said as the boy walked in, and everyone turned to gape at the second year, who calmly opened his locker and started putting in his things as if this wasn’t the strangest thing to ever happen during practice. “Yeah my boyfriend lives in Tokyo.”

“What?” Noya stared at Ennoshita, who walked away, not even caring about the commotion.“How did we not know?” he asked aloud.

Asahi shrugged. “He's a private person?” Noya bit the urge to point out that the same could be said about Asahi himself.( _Is he gay? Is he? IS HE?_ )

“Amazing,” said Tanaka. “Just amazing. Is nobody on this team straight?”

“Everyone else is straight, okay?” Noya said. “Now give that back--”

But Tanaka had already run off to find the others, Noya close on his heels. Oddly, the thing started going off right in front of the closet door. Tanaka opened the storage closet to find Kinoshita and Narita clearly involved in physical activities that were not volleyball. “Sorry,” He said quickly, hiding the now device. “Carry on.”

Well, that answered that question.

“Okay, that's enough, that's everybody.” Noya said.

He grabbed it back, but Hinata snuck up behind him and intercepted the device. “Not everybody.” He hurried off to the gym where Kageyama was helping Yachi set up. Sure enough the thing bleeped and the rainbow lights lit up as he came closer to Kageyama.

“HA! I knew it,” Hinata said gleefully, pointing at him. “You like boys!”

“ _I’m your boyfriend, you idiot_ ,” Kageyama said, snatching the contraption from him and holding it out of his reach.

Just then a voice called out, “What is that awful noise?”

"Daichi!” Hinata yelled, and then, “Oh my god...you’re straight?” Everyone looked at the meter, which was nearly at 0, and back at Daichi, shocked. “I could've sworn you and...” Hinata looked at Suga, trailing off awkwardly. Nobody else would admit it, but secretly they'd all thought the same.

“Suga,” Hinata was saying now. “I think you broke it.”

“Hmm?”

He looked at the gauge. It was pointing to nowhere, seemingly stuck in the narrow white space below the meter. “Oh. No, I’m just asexual.”

“Ohhhh.” A pause. “...what's that?”

Yamaguchi and Yachi were watching from the sidelines. “I’m glad no one notices us,” Yamaguchi said.

“Yes,” Yachi said, fiddling with her blond side ponytail. “I’m not sure I’m ready to be out yet.”

Noya turned and yelled at them. “BOTH OF YOU, EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS.” They looked at each other, embarrassed, both blushing hard.

“Well...I did only join because I thought Shimizu-san was pretty...” Yachi admitted.

“...and I guess I do talk about Tsukki a lot, don't I?” Yamaguchi said, looking at the floor.

The team was all crowded around the contraption now, practice forgotten. And it wouldn’t stop beeping and flashing erratically, the colors not even going in a pattern anymore. Noya finally got his hands on it, but when he looked down, the needle was not moving. “Hey, it’s not working--” He turned the switch on and off, to no avail.

“What's going on?”

“Let me see.”

“Damn, it must be busted for real--”

“Ugh,” Tanaka shook the device. “This is just a fraud, isn’t it? Like a magic 8-ball or something.” Disgusted, he threw the thing across the gym, where it landed with a loud noise but mysteriously did not break. The team gave a collective sigh, breaking away from the circle.

Daichi took this opportunity to clear his throat and yell, “Everybody, back to practice, we've wasted too much time today.” The team scattered off to their places, all except Noya.

“Does this mean Azumane isn’t really gay?” he said in a disappointed voice.

“Oh no, he’s definitely gay,” said Daichi.

“Are you sure?”

“Yuu,” said Suga softly. “Why don't you go find out?”

“I--” Noya opened his mouth and closed it again. nodded, looking off into the corner where Asahi was standing, hands in his pockets, cheeks redder than normal. “Yeah. Yeah, I think I'll go talk to him.”

~

Daichi and Suga stared down at the device, which was still blinking and flashing in erratic ways. “Why do you think it’s acting like this?” Suga said.

Daichi gave him a puzzled look. “It’s just a joke product.”

“Hmm,” Suga reached down to pick it up, and removed the batteries from the back panel, finally silencing that ear-bleedingly ugly sound. “Maybe...”

“Maybe what?”

“This is supposed to detect a gay person out of a room of straight people, right?...What if it just doesn’t know what to do when everybody is gay?”

Daichi stared at him. “... _everybody_ is gay?”

“Except you, of course.”

(Daichi decided not to mention that on his turn the needle kept wavering, not quite staying on zero. Suga could never know how Daichi used to feel about him. It was fine. He was with Yui now. It didn't matter. Really.) “You...you're probably right.” He stared at the object. “Our level of gay...is unmeasurable.”

“Do you think it's contagious?” Suga joked, putting his hands on his hips as he stared at the boys practicing their serves.

Daichi shrugged, grinning. He looked out on his team, shaking his head in wonder. It was weird, unusual, it should’ve be impossible, statistically. Then again, Karasuno had never been just an ordinary team.

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously Suga keeps it and saves it to use around other teams because needs to know what's up & stay ahead of the gossip


End file.
